If I Only Had A Brain
by WickedAwesome4141912
Summary: It's the movie The Wizard of Oz through Fiyero's eyes. It starts right after The Cornfield scene.
1. Scarecrow Complex

Scarecrow Complex

**AN: This is my first Wicked fic! I've just recently seen the show for the first time. I was thinking about Fiyero, who I thought was great! I began to wonder what was going through his mind all through out The Wizard of Oz? This will be his stream of continence with a few interruptions from Elphaba. Oh by the way the Fiyero I saw was played by ****David Burnham, so his appearance was modeled after him.** **This starts after he's been beaten, the guards have left him for dead.**

Okay…ouch, ouch, ouch. No that's an understatement. Everything hurts, no still a huge understatement. I'm not sure I know a word that could really sum up just how much this really sucks. I bet Elphaba could come up with some big word that fits. Elphaba… oh my god, Elphaba! Please Oz, let her be all right, let her have made it to Kiama Ko safely, just let her be alive, please. I promise I'll never ask for anything else in my life just let her be safe! I don't care if I die just let her be safe!

Oh Oz! What the hell? I should not be tingling! Unless this is some new side of pain I'm not used to. AGGH! OH OZ! Yeah there's the pain, lots and lots of pain. Why am I going so limp? I know stuff is broken, but my arm didn't feel like this when I broke it before. Okay, I'm thinking that word a lot… Hey! Everything's stopped hurting. Come to think of it, I've been doing that a lot lately, thinking. Weird. Anyway I don't feel much of anything actually. Maybe I can lift myself up and see how bad it is.

SWEET OZ! Straw! Straw! I'm made of straw! I am stuffed with straw! I'm a man of straw! What are those called? Come on think, you've been doing that, come on Fiyero think! Scarecrows! They're called scarecrows! They stand in cornfields! Crap! I hate corn. Shut up this is no time to be thinking about your preference in vegetables! I have to think of a way to get to Elphaba! Okay, something just clicked! Do the thinking thing again! Elphaba equals "Wicked Witch of the West", witch equals magic, magic equals wizard, wizard equals spells, spells equal spell book, and spell book equals The Grimmirie! That's it! Elphaba turned me into a scarecrow to save my life using The Grimmirie! Not a bad job on my part. So how am I going to get out of this cornfield? I still hate corn. Stop it with the corn! A walking talking scarecrow might cause some suspicion. Walking! I can walk to Kiama Ko and Elphaba! Great, wonderful! I better start a plan. Step one: find out which way is Kiama Ko. Step two: find out if I can walk. Step three: find Elphaba and sweep her off her feet! Maybe I should put that idea on the shelf for a while until I get through the first two steps. Yeah, take it easy Fiyero. I wish Elphie were here she'd have a better plan. Elphaba is my plan. Okay Fiyero on the count of three you'll stand up! One, two, three! Uh, okay on the count of five. One, two, three, four, five! Yeah this really sucks. I guess this is what it's like to be Nessa. So step two's not going to well. I'll start over, step one: find out which direction Kiama Ko's in, and step two: crawl in that direction. There has got to be an easier way to do this. _"Dancing through life…"_ Agh! Why won't that song get out of my head? I can't even walk, how am I supposed to dance?

Wow this sucks. 

Maybe I should try getting up again. I've already sat up, that's a good sign right? Yeah! I can do this! One, two, three get up! 

Okay that was a start. Kneeling is good. Ready, up!

Squatting! Even better than kneeling! Go!

Standing and falling back down on your ass! Back to square one. One, two, three up!

I can't do this. 


	2. Cornfield Nightmare

Cornfield Nightmare 

This is a nice green cornfield, there's some nice yellow and stuff…

Oh my god! Get me out of here! I can't think about green without thinking of Elphaba. I never liked green too much before I knew her. It's weird how things can change like that. I for one never thought I'd be turned into a scarecrow. I don't care though; I'd think I would. But I don't. It's way better than laying there in agony. I could care less if I'm stuck like this forever, because if I ever get my brilliant plan to work I'll spend that forever with Elphaba! 

I wish I could convince her she's beautiful. She is, green or not. She's the most beautiful girl- woman I've ever known. Glinda was pretty but she knew it, which kind of took away the charm. 

Oh Glinda! I wish things could have turned out better. I wish we had been able to talk things out. I feel horrible for just running off at that stupid engagement party, I feel horrible for letting it go on like that, and pointing that gun at her wasn't very gentlemanly of me either. I think she'll understand that though. It was to save Elphaba; we were both working towards that weren't we? Oh Oz, I hope The Wizard hasn't brain washed her to! I hope her funny little brain is still her funny little brain! 

Everything was so much simpler at Shiz. I was a dumb but ravishingly handsome Winkie prince, Elphaba was just green not wicked, and Glinda was Galinda, you know with the "Ga". 

That day at the train station… when Glinda changed her name to impress me. She tried so hard, but it never amounted to anything. Elphaba didn't have to lift a finger. She was just so… cool. Not like I was cool, she was cool like a… I don't know what she was cool like, but just the way she handled things. The energy she gave off was just amazing. She had so much bottled up inside her. She still does. I wish she were here. No I wish I were wherever she is. Probably at the other castle…

What was that? The corn just rustled. Oh no, please don't let the guards be back with clubs! Okay whoever it is needs to stop whistling. It's annoying. Maybe they can help me! I better leave out the whole story and just go with the talking scarecrow thing. They would probably not help me if I told them about being in league with the "Wicked Witch of the West". 

Well that's just great, a munchkin. I'd better say something.

"Hey! A little help?" 

"What? Who said that?" 

Hanging out with Boq made me forget how squeaky these guys were. He seems like a _real genius_ to me. I'll just see what I can do.

"Me, the scarecrow on the ground."

"Oh my Oz! A talking scarecrow! How did you come to be in my cornfield? You're not with any of those filthy Animals that passed through a few days ago are you? They came to my farm and pleaded for food and water, the nerve. I threatened to turn them into the governor if they didn't leave. But of course she's dead so I wouldn't know who to send you to." 

Wow, that was long winded. He'll be fun to deal with. "No sir, I don't know any Animals. But I could use some assistance. You see sir I can't walk. So if you wouldn't mind-"

"Can't walk you say?"

Did I stutter? "Nope."

"Why not?"

"I. Don't. Know."

"Well it seems you won't be going anywhere if you can't walk. So you wouldn't mind staying in my field to keep the crows away? Oh of course you wouldn't!" 


	3. Dorothy and Rat Dog

Dorothy and Rat Dog

Stupid munchkin. What part of I have to get to Kiama Ko didn't he understand? He just had to keep blathering on about how happy he was to have a new scarecrow, and a talking one at that. "Oh you'll be able to yell at the crows and keep them away!" I don't want to yell at any stupid crows! What I want is to find Elphaba! This is ridiculous! Why couldn't he understand that even though I'm made of straw I'm still a person? That's what's wrong with Oz! Everyone's to concerned with their own problems that they won't even stop for a moment to think of someone else! Ugh!

So how am I going to get down from here? Okay, new plan time. Step one: Get down from pole, step two: learn to walk again, step three: find out which way Kiama Ko is. Yeah, now step one. Uh, ow, he hung me up here pretty tight.

Hey! Who's that? I think it's a girl. There I go with the thinking again. If it is she's either a really tall munchkin or a really short Winkie. I hope this turns out better than last time.

She looks scared. Well she's not a munchkin or a Winkie she must be a human. Ugh, and that nasty little dog, why would you travel with that? She's saying something!

"Follow the yellow brick road?" 

Well yeah, if you want to get anywhere. 

"Oh, now which way do we go?"

Aw, poor thing. She looks pretty freaked out. Okay here goes nothing.

"Pardon me, that way is a very nice way." Smooth Fiyero smooth. Okay freeze up!

"Who said that?"

That would have been me, unless you're dog is a very good ventriloquist. 

"Don't be silly Toto scarecrows don't talk."

You'd be surprised.

"It's pleasant down that way too." Not that I've ever been down that road before, but I assume it is.

"That's funny wasn't he pointing the other way?"

Oh, I see you've caught on. "Of course people do go both ways." Not that I've seen them but you never know.

"Why you did say something didn't you?"

She's a little smarter than the munchkin. Okay Fiyero just keep going with the lovable buffoon thing. Yeah the head-moving thing was good, it's silly. Little girls like silly right? Yeah.

"Are you doing that on purpose? Or can't you make up your mind?"

Uh, no mind, go with that! You've been saying that for a while. "That's the trouble, I can't make up my mind. I don't have a brain, only straw." I think that's right.

"How can you talk if you don't have a brain?"

Lot's of people talk without brains kid, you've obviously never been to the Upper Uplands. "I don't know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking. Don't they?"

"Yes, I suppose your right. We haven't really met properly yet have we?"

Well, my name is Fiyero Tiggular; I'm a scarecrow and you? "Why no!"

"How do you do?"

Just dandy. "How do you do?"

"Very well thank you."

She's going along with it! Yes! "Oh not feeling at all well!" I've just been turned into a scarecrow, beaten within an inch of my life, stuck up on a pole, and to top it all off separated from the woman I love. "You see it's very tedious being stuck up here all day long with a pole up your back." And there's that.

"Oh, that must be terribly uncomfortable. Can't you get down?"

If I could we wouldn't be having this conversation. "Down? Well you see, I'm, uh…"

"Oh my, well let me help you!"

YES! "Oh that's very kind of you, very kind." I do mean that, she's a nice kid.

"Oh dear, I don't see how I can…"

Crap, uh. "Of course I'm not bright about doing things," Although I do make a mean batch of Ozberry pancakes, "but if you just bend the nail down in the back, I'll slip off."

"Oh yes…"

Ooof, it's a good thing I'm made of straw, other wise that would have hurt. I think some of what were my intestines came out. "Oh, there goes some of me again!"

"Oh! Are you alright?"

I'm made of straw, duh. "Oh no, I just keep picking it all up and putting it back in again!"

That is convenient, but now my intestines are next to my lungs, weird. "Oh it's good to be free!" Ooof again, and yet again my philosophy of dancing through life has failed me. 

"Oh!"

Oh! What'd I do? "Did I scare you?"

"Oh no! I just thought you hurt yourself!"

She is sweet, not very bright, but sweet. "So you mean I didn't scare you?"

"Oh no, of course not."

Yeah, I'm really the scariest thing in Oz am I? No that's Madame Morrible, ew. "I didn't think so." Ugh, a crow. I must be a really bad scarecrow. "Boo, scare, boo." That munchkin wasn't so lucky after all. Well I'm glad that's gone. "You see? I can't even scare a crow!" That's a real killjoy; I mean I'm a crow scarcer, or something like that. "They come from miles around just to eat from my field and laugh in my face." That was a good touch Fiyero just keep it up. "I'm a failure 'cause I haven't got a brain." 

"What would you do with a brain if you had one?"

I'd probably be using it to get to Elphaba, either that or debating over chunky or creamy peanut butter. It all depends on the situation. "Why if I had a brain… I could wile away the hours  
Conferrin' with the flowers  
Consultin' with the rain  
And my head I'd be scratchin'  
While my thoughts were busy hatchin'  
If I only had a brain

I'd unravel any riddle  
For any individ'le  
In trouble or in pain

"With the thoughts you'd be thinkin'  
You could be another Lincoln  
If you only had a brain"

"Oh, I would tell you why  
The ocean's near the shore  
I could think of things I never thunk before  
And then I'd sit and think some more

I would not be just a nuffin'  
My head all full of stuffin'  
My heart all full of pain  
I would dance and be merry  
Life would be a ding-a-derry  
If I only had a brain" Well probably not but it was catchy. Wow, the song and dance worked better for the walking part of my plan than the actual plan. And what's a ding-a-derry?

"Well if our scarecrow back in Kansas could do that the crows would be scared to pieces."

Where's Kansas? Elphaba was right I should have paid more attention in geography. "Where's Kansas?"

"It's were I live, and I wanna' get back there so badly that we're going all the way to Emerald City to get the Wizard of Oz to help me."

Oh no! She can't go there. They will tear her apart or brainwash her and use her as a pawn or something! I have to think of another plan, but for now I'll just go along with her. "You're going to see a wizard?" Wizard my straw filled ass. 

"Uh huh!"

She has no clue does she? "So, do you think if I went along this wizard would give me some brains?"

"Couldn't say. But even if he didn't you'd be no worse off than you are now."

Oh kid, if you only knew. "Yes… that's true."

"But maybe you'd better stay, I've got a witch mad at me, and you might get into trouble."

A witch! There are only two of those and I think I know which one she's talking about! Yes! Now she's talking! This is great! "A witch? I'm not afraid of a witch!" I love the witch! "I'm not afraid of anything!" Except clubs but that's a recent phobia. "Except a lighted match." And that, that's an extremely recent phobia. 

"Well I can't blame you for that." 

"Why I'd brave a whole box full of matches for a chance to get some brains!" And to get to Elphaba! "Look, I won't be any trouble as I don't eat a thing." Especially not corn. "And I won't try to manage things because I can't think." I don't think I've ever tried to manage things anyway. "Won't you take me with you?" Pleeease? 

"Why of course I will."

Yes! Elphaba here I come! Oh the walking thing. That could present a problem. Oh well let's see what happens. "Hooray! We're off to see a wizard!" Yeah some wizard…

"Oh well you're not starting off very well."

Well I'm a recent scarecrow. "Really I will!"

"Well of to Oz?"

We're in Oz, anyway. "To Oz!"


	4. How 'Bout Them Apples?

How 'Bout Them Apples?

I am so sick of walking like this! I miss my cool swagger. It's just so irritating! My leg straw keeps shifting, I don't really have knees to bend, and I keep collapsing! I better get the hang of this soon. 

And why does the kid- Dorothy- insist on the arm holding? I only hold arms with Glinda- I used to hold arms with Glinda. I don't think Elphaba is the arm holding type, I think it's too possessive for her. I'll bet she likes to hold hands. I like that better anyway. 

Yum! Apples! Oh, wait I don't eat. That will take some getting used to. Wow, no more chocolate cake, or ozberry pancakes, or steak, or eggs, or… Now I'm hungry. But I'm not hungry because I don't have a stomach. I miss my internal organs. Except for my spleen, that just sounds weird to me. 

Fiyero? It can't be. But it is, I'd know him anywhere! Is that really what I did to him? Oh Oz, I've screwed up big time! He's with that brat and her dog to! But a scarecrow! Why a scarecrow? The Grimmirie has a terrible sense of humor! I guess it could be worse he could be a slug or something. But a scarecrow?

Oh they can't see me yet! I better leave!

These apples look really nice, it's a shame I can't eat them. Maybe Dorothy will want some. Ooh I hope she picks some good ones. I really want an apple.

"Ouch!"

Wait what?

"What do you think you're doing?"

I don't think much, but it looks like she was picking an apple.

"We've been walking a long ways and I was hungry. Uh…did you say something?"

Didn't I read something about talking trees at Shiz? Oh yeah I remember, Elphaba looked really good that day. Don't get sidetracked Fiyero. What was it? Oh yeah avoid talking trees! Crap. 

"She was hungry! How would you like someone to come along and pick something off you?"

That is a really unpleasant tree. Come on she's just a kid.

"Oh dear I keep forgetting we're not in Kansas anymore."

Seriously where is Kansas?

"Come along Dorothy, you don't want any of those apples."

I hope this works.

"Are you saying my apples aren't what they ought to be?"

Here goes nothing. "Ohhh no, it's just that she doesn't like little green worms!" That ought to do it.

"Oh you!"

Damn! Tree grabbing! Move! "Go! Go! Go! I'll show you how to get apples!" Yes! It's working! All right! Ha! That didn't hurt; I'm made of straw! "Hooray! I guess that did it!" We'll have enough apples that I can't eat to last us to the Emerald City! Yeah, I think those tree's bite was worse than their bark! …Note to self no more puns. 

What she looking at? What's making those weird hollow noises? 

"Why it's a man! A man made out of tin!"

A tin man? Well there's a first time for everything. Oh! He's trying to say something! He sound familiar… 

"Did you say something?"

Where have I heard that before?

"Oil can…"

Well that helps. "Oil can what?"

"Oil can… Oh! Here it is!"

He looks like someone; maybe it's just a coincidence. I don't know anybody made of tin, of course I didn't know anyone made of straw either. I don't think I believe in coincidences anymore.

"Where do you want to be oiled first?"

"He said his mouth!" I don't know if that's what he said or what, but that's where I'd pick. 

His jaw's squeaking! "The other side!" He's saying something!

"M… m…my…my goodness! It feels so good to talk again! Oil my arms please! Elbows… oh!"

"Did that hurt?"

"Oh no, it felt wonderful! I've held that ax up for ages!

Who does he sound like?

"My goodness! How did you ever get like this?"

"Well about a year ago… I was chopping that tree, and suddenly it began to rain. And in right of the middle of a chop I rusted solid. And I've been that way ever since."

Ouch, poor guy, I bet I get nasty when it rains. Ugh, I don't want to mold!

"Oh well your perfect now!"

"Oh my neck, my neck."

"Perfect? Bang on my chest if you think I'm perfect. Go ahead bang on it!"

Well he's hollow. I was kind of expecting that. 

Come on who does he remind you of? Come on Fiyero think!

"Beautiful what an echo!"

"It's empty-"

BOQ! Boq! Boq! It's Boq! Why the hell is he made of tin? Did Elphaba do this? Who else could have? 

"The tin smith forgot to give me a heart."

He's come up with his own lie. That's the only way to be safe here. There is no way this is Elphaba's fault. It all has to go back to the Wizard1 He's the one that set this all into motion. But oh Boq, not you to!

"No heart?"

Okay that was weird with the unison. But Boq, oh Oz, he was my best friend.

"No heart."

He had one of the biggest hearts in Oz. Why did everything have to go so wrong?

"All hollow. When a man's an empty kettle  
He should be on his mettle  
And yet I'm torn apart  
Just because I'm presumin'  
That I could be kind of human  
If I only had a heart

I'd be tender, I'd be gentle  
And awful sentimental  
Regarding love and art  
I'd be friends with the sparrows  
And the boy that shoots the arrows  
If I only had a heart

Picture me a balcony  
Above a voice sings low

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

I hear a beat, how sweet!

Just to register emotion, jealousy, devotion  
And really feel the part  
I could stay young and chipper  
And I'd lock it with a zipper  
If I only had a heart"

Oh Boq! There has to a way to turn us both back. I know it! Elphaba can help! I wonder what happened any way. I-

"Oh, oh, oh, oh are you alright?"

"I'm afraid I'm a little rusty yet."

"Oh dear… you know that was wonderful! And we were just wondering if you'd like to come with us to the Emerald city to ask the wizard of Oz for a heart?"

What's going to happen when we get there? What have I signed onto? How the hell am I getting out of this one? I still don't even know if we're even getting close to Kiama Ko. We could be walking away from it!

"Suppose the Wizard wouldn't give me one when we get there?"

I know he won't.

"But he will, he must! We've come such a long way already!"

Elphaba!


End file.
